Ponder Post: Skateboard Poem

In my previous post I mentioned a skateboard that was a Christmas present to our son Dan in 1995. My husband Frank fell off that very skateboard the day after Christmas. At his visit to the doctor, Frank learned he had broken his wrist and deeply bruised his hip. The doctor said that after a fall like that, ordinarily he would check the patient for brain damage. He joked that if Frank had gotten on a skateboard at his age, then brain damage must have been a pre-existing condition. My brother Eric, my sister Maxine, and her three sons Glenn, Eric, and Dean, wrote a poem to Frank commemorating the incident. Here is that poem.

‘Twas The Day After Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas
And outside of the house
Frank Chambers was stirring
To the dismay of his spouse.

Frank skipped out the door
And thought “Wouldn’t it be neat
To borrow Dan’s new skateboard
And play in the street?”

Suddenly out in the street
There arose such a clatter
Diane threw up the sash
To see what was the matter

Alex was in his nightshirt
Robin in her cap
Nobody was prepared
For this kind of crap

He was just frolicking out there
Trying to have some fun
But it was easy to see
He was no Scott Hamilton

And then we saw Frank
Just like an everyday kid
But lo and behold!
He had started to skid!

Frank veered to the left
He veered to the right
When he went out of control
It was a horrible sight

He looked like the acrobat
Of 1583 Cross Creek Place
But suddenly – there was a sidewalk
Staring him smack in the face

He fell off it gleefully
And thought he had class
But wouldn’t ya know it
He was flat on his ass!

He gazed at the heavens
And boy! Was he pissed!
He found that his ass hurt
And he had broken his wrist

Diane peeked from the window
She was a nervous wreck
Could it be Frank
Has broken his neck?!

“Help me up! Help me up!”
That’s all that he said
As visions of sugarplums
Danced in his head

“I’m forty-seven years old
And stand six foot five
Now look at me lying here
Just barely alive.”

“This can’t happen to ME!
A Ph.D. working in uranium…
Do you suppose that I could have
Just broken my cranium?”

“I’m not Evil Knievel
Or even a modern-day Elvis
Alas! NONE of these stars
Had fractured THEIR pelvis.”

Uncle Frank was hurt badly
His ass really draggin’
It took all three kids
And Alex’s rescue wagon

After scraping him off the sidewalk
They brought him into the house
Now ALL Chambers creatures were stirring
And even Dan’s ‘mouse’

Frank sat there all dazed
And couldn’t even see
He thought that Diane
Was their Christmas tree

On Daniel! On Robin!
Let’s not forget Alex, too
It took all three kids
Just to pull off his shoe(s)

They tucked him in bed
And let his bones knit
Diane said “Don’t wallow in self-pity
We don’t give a s__t!”

The doctor said carpal tunnel syndrome
Comes on pretty fast
Especially when
Your wrist’s in a cast

Diane said “Remember Frank
Next time you’re looking for action
Ya gotta be careful
Ya might wind up in traction…”

It’s not particularly nice
When somebody falls
But it’s certainly fun
To be breaking your balls.

Happy New Year. Get well soon.
December 28th (Christmas 1995)
From Cary, Connecticut, and Boone.

DISCLAIMER:
The skateboard and wagon pictured here are not the actual conveyances cited in the incident. After twenty years, these are the closest replica pictures I could come up with.

UPDATE:
Carrie texted me a photo of the actual culprit skateboard that inspired this poem. This is it, safely ensconced in Dan's garage and nowhere near Frank.

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